Unique and Narcissistic

Oh stagnant day.

2011-02-22T12:26:00.000-08:00

The day of complete and utter boredom has set upon me, and what more is there to do but be in it.
I have already cleansed my living space, and the garments which I wear.
I have already composed my dreaded Extended Essay work, and read the work of William Faulkner I was assigned.
I have added color to my previously plain fingernails, and viewed a selection of my favorite films.

And yet, here I am, remaining in this stagnant day.

What is this, I don't even.

2011-02-21T11:15:00.001-08:00

Although this kind of looks really gross, I want to try it so badly. So, so bad.

Shallow

2011-02-18T17:09:00.000-08:00

I am really completely excited for the warm weather to set in. I am ready to start wearing the cute summer dresses I have accumulated over the year. I'm ready to start experimenting with my hair, now that it's finally long enough to do anything with.

Although these things are kind of shallow, to me these things are a way for me to start growing up. I've always just let things fall as they may, but I want to be the one to take control of things.

As weird as that may sound.

Playlists

2011-02-18T17:03:00.000-08:00

My boyfriend and I trade playlists back and forth sometimes. I'll make him one and put it on my iPod, and he'll make one and put it on his Zune, and then we trade music players.

We've done two now so far, so it's not necessarily what you would call prolific, but it's a good start.

It's a good way to see what kind of music we like listening to, including our guilty pleasures.

Whether it's his obsession with Lady Gaga, or my leftover love of some of the Christian rock bands I used to listen to when I was little, we put some of everything on them.

The cool part is that when I listen to the ones he's made me, they remind me of him. You can tell he made it, because little parts of his personality are represented. He says the ones I make for him remind him of me too.

It's cute.

I don't need you.

2011-02-13T09:30:00.000-08:00

I did not give up my friends for my relationship.
I did not lose my friends because of my relationship.

I chose to leave, and I did it because I was tired of the dynamic. Tired of getting treated so poorly. Tired of watching everyone get treated so poorly.

Did my boyfriend have a part in this decision? In ways, yes. He reminded me of what having a real friend is like, and showed me that I could make it on my own. That I didn't need them like I thought I did. That I didn't owe them anything.

But did he make this decision for me? No, that was all me. He was extremely supportive, gave me my options, and talked me through those options, but overall the decision was left to me.

And I chose to be free.

So go ahead and speculate that I have been brainwashed by my boyfriend, go ahead and talk behind my back about how I'll be crawling back to you when it's over between us, go ahead and scrutinize me for not finding balance in my life.

I have found balance in my life, you're just upset because you aren't a part of it.

But honestly? I don't give a fuck.

No one is the prophet of all things good and right, sent to show us how to live our lives. Especially not you. I don't need you to teach me.

I Laugh So Hard

2011-02-03T21:05:00.000-08:00

I laugh so hard when I read the things you post on your Tumblr. I don't laugh because it's "haha funny." I laugh because it is fucking ironic, all the things you say.

Sometimes I wonder if you ever really sit back and think about your life. If you really believe some of the things you say about yourself on the internet. I mean, everybody's got their personas, don't get me wrong.

I know that on the internet, I seem a lot like a narcissistic bitch, but hey, I KNOW this, hence the blog title. But at the same time, I also know that I'm not that person in real life, but do I care? Nah. If I cared, then I would try to make myself look better than I actually am.

You try to make yourself sound so sincere, trying to make yourself seem like this open book of all things docile yet independent, friendly yet bitchy, and all together a deep, dynamic individual who has what...Just decided to pour out everything in their heart and soul out on the internet for their "followers" to see?

I mean quite honestly, I do not think anybody reads this blog, and if people do, then good for them. Maybe someone can be entertained, and thought provoked from whatever it is that I write here, but you can't know a person from their blog posts.

Even if that's your intent; to put yourself into the internet page that has ridiculously become your second home.

Believe me, I have experience in this matter. A blog is not you. It may be a part of you, just like anything else can be. Your room, your locker, your art, your essays, anything of yours really. It may be a part of you, but it can never really be you.

But backtracking to my original point. It makes me laugh to see what you want the world to think of you, or maybe even what you think of yourself, because who knows? Maybe your Tumblr is a place of undying truthfulness and therapy. But really, if you know these things enough about yourself to post about them in depth on a blog, then why do you need the blog to help you discover it?

When I sit here, and write these things out, I realize that no, I am most likely not inspiring people with "my story." No, I am not trying to figure out myself by spitting out my inner most thoughts into the internet. And no, I'm not trying to impress my friends.

Really it all comes down to boredom, and the fact that this feels a lot more productive than doing whatever it is I could be doing.

There is a total difference...

2011-02-02T15:40:00.000-08:00

So, I'm with Drake in Starbucks, and we're sitting there looking up Lord of the Rings jokes on my laptop, and I'm explaining the wonderfulness of my previous days America's Next Top Model snow day marathon. It's pretty great. We're laughing, joking, being the cute couple that everyone accuses us of being, not that it's a bad thing.

We see some people come and go, like Rhys, who was dressed in the most insane amount of layers I have ever seen. I mean, yeah, it may be -20 outside, but four sweatshirts? Really? I did pretty darn fine in my flannel, and my winter jacket. Scarf, gloves, hat, all your normal winter attire.

Anyway, then some other people we know walk in. These people, who shall remain unnamed, are infamous for their PDA together around the school. Typically it goes like this.

Crowd of people.
This couple walks in.
They have a huge, slobbery (not exaggerating), kiss for about 5 or 6 seconds.
They stop face sucking, and continually spend the next half hour whispering in each other's ears/cuddling together.
Face sucking ensues for another 5 to 6 seconds.

But this time they REALLY went at it. There was no half hour in between here, and there was no 5 to 6 seconds either. They were legitimately hard core making out right in front of us. I mean, not just in front of strangers...but in front of us...people they know and have to see later that day.

They were practically ready to rip each other's clothes off...IN STARBUCKS. It was one of those moments, when you just awkwardly pretend you don't notice what's going on even if it is right in front of you.

I mean, I'm self conscious and TOTALLY aware of all the PDA I give off all the time. I used to get shit from some of my old friends about how it was SO inappropriate to hug, hold hands, and hang out with my boyfriend after school hours, or around them. A manifestation of why they aren't my friends any longer.

But like...we have never done anything to that extent ever in public. Even when Kyle picked me up today, we just hugged goodbye.

He's like, "What? No smooch goodbye?" And I'm like, "No, I guess not."
The worst we do is stuff like this.

And there is a total difference between that and what they were doing.

Ghost Town

2011-02-02T15:17:00.000-08:00

That's pretty much the only way I can think to describe school today, there were definitely less than half the students there.

So much for the whole MTV school attendance challenge thing. We're probably going to slide down the charts rediculously so.

Not that I care, I really don't care about anyone elses attendance but my own and another select individuals, but really less than 50%? That's ridiculous.

Ben Folds Five?

2011-02-01T18:40:00.000-08:00

It's funny, because they only have three members...and yet they are five, neat huh? Trick question really.

I remember in Sharps that was one of the questions at the audition. How many members are in the Jackson 5? I thought it could be a trick question and it freaked me out so bad. Come to find out it was supposed to be checking who was competent vs. not. Hah.

Anyway, I love this album, and I love Ben Folds so much it's astounding. He's great, and has perfect pitch (jerkface), and is like the biggest hipster on the face of the planet, but he was there first, before the hipsters so not really.

My music teacher knows him, one of his songs is written with his name in it. I want a song written about me! That would be so freaking cool.

OhmyGodmylife.

Dear Molly Burnett,

2011-02-01T18:07:00.000-08:00

Why are you the most adorable thing on the face of this planet? It's freaking ridiculous.

You're also the only really, truly attractive character on Days. I mean, Sami? What the hell? I thoroughly do not understand the appeal to her. She looks like a bulldog, and possesses the most obnoxious personality known to man, and yet everyone wants her. It's rediculous.

I mean, Melanie has got two guys in love with her, but Sami has had tons more. It just doesn't make any sense.

Which on another note, Days is getting really interesting. I never watched soaps until I moved in with Amanda, and not it's like this bonding thing. I got all caught up and read that blastedly long Wikipedia article, and now I'm hooked watching it too.

I guess if I really wanted to, I could stop, but really what better do I have to do? Hang out with friends? Haha, wait, I don't have those.

Anyway, moral of the story is, I'm watching Days now, and it's getting really good. I mean, Johnny lost his eye, Melanie is pregnant, the whole Phillip/Chloe thing that ruined EVERYTHING. It's all pretty great.

Oh, and WTF IS UP WITH EJ AND STEPHANO'S PLAN TO GET RAIF??

I still haven't figured out what they are up to yet.

DPS

2011-02-01T17:36:00.000-08:00

So, it's negative thirty outside, and yet we will still be having school tomorrow. But no worries kids, don't be mad at DPS! They are advising parents to dress your kiddies up nice and warm with little skin exposure.

Man, they reallly are looking out for us, truly.

Dear DPS,

Please answer me this.

Why are we spending all our money on repainting the lobby for school spirit, welcoming mats, and the "new door project" when we can't afford to heat the school, pay for a librarian/books in the library, or upgrade our desks & chalkboards? I would really, really like to know.

Sincerely,
One of the few students in your district with the competence and skill to actually write this.

PS. In case you didn't know...it seems some of your students can't read. I'm not sure why, but I feel like this is a problem.

Too Bad We Don't Want Kids

2011-02-01T10:21:00.000-08:00

If Drake and I had a box kid, like in Martian Child, it would dress like this after hanging out with us.

First we've got the nerd glasses, which we both wear now that I've given him my old ones. And then there's the superman tshirt, which I got him for chirstmas, and we wrote the fake referral for.

But children are like an STD, really, they are an STD. Not only do you get them after having sex, but you are STUCK with them forever. And yet, everyone says you'll change your mind in the future, and you know, maybe we will...but at this point. FUCK NO.

God damnit, we are so cool.

V8 Fruit Juices?

2011-02-01T09:11:00.000-08:00

Fuck that, I love vegetables.

Broccoli is my life.

ANTM Marathon?

2011-02-01T08:59:00.000-08:00

America's Next Top Model on a snowday, it's the perfect thing. Cycle 6, with Molly Sue and Joanie, my two favorites. It's funny to me that Molly Sue is the most successful out of them, but she was the sixth(?) one eliminated.

Like with Elyse in Cycle 1, she's so successful now, while in the show she was axed. It's my favorites that always end up doing kind of well in the future.

Except for Allison Cycle 12, and Marjorie in Cycle 11. Although in Cycle 11 it was tied between Analiegh and Marjorie, and Ananliegh is pretty successful.

Either way, I'm so excited for this marathonnn.

We're Cool

2011-01-31T21:11:00.001-08:00

The World is Mine

2011-01-31T20:56:00.000-08:00

"Pretend you're happy when you're blue. It isn't very hard to do. And you'll find happiness without an end whenever you pretend. Remember anyone can dream. And nothing's bad as it may seem. The little things you haven't got could be a lot if you pretend."

In the end, no matter what, there will always be something there that could be bugging you. There are always problems, always something ready to potentially ruin your day, that's just the way life is.

But that whole, don't let it get to you thing, no matter how hard it can seem sometimes really is a pretty useful, great thing.

Acceptance can be hard to get to though, and by any means I'm not suggesting, or musing that one should just accept everything as it is. That's just too hard, unrealistic really. That will take time.

A good temporary solution though is to just find out the other things in your life that make it all worth it, or at least can get you through it.

Like some good music, or someone to lean on, a good book to read, or some nice weather outside. Although cheesy, that seems to work for me.

"And if you sing this melody. You'll be pretending just like me. The world is mine it can be yours my friend, so why don't you pretend?"

The Drakeasaurus Rex and the Tia-Raptor

2011-01-31T20:42:00.000-08:00

So pretty much, I have the absolute coolest boyfriend on the face of the planet. Not to be a boasting teenage girl...but time to be a boasting teenage girl. I'm not going to sit here and say that our love is different, or that nobody understands us, because in the end, I'm sure that someone does out there.

But even so, does that in no way should discredit the fact that not only is he my absolute best friend, the person that just appeals to me in every facet of the term, but he's also one of the things in my life that makes me undeniably happy. So really, fuck the rest.

I am not a bitch for liking my boyfriend, regardless of what some other people seem to believe. It is not a crime to have someone make you happy. The end.

Fuck You Tumblr

2011-01-31T20:35:00.000-08:00

You know, Tumblr is not as fucking great as everyone seems to think it is. I mean yeah, it's got the whole "blogging made easy" thing going for it, but it has become overrun with twats trying to have GIF wars, or whatever the hell that shit is.

I guess they are entitled to whatever they want, they can really put up anythign they please, because it is in the end their space, but still.

I don't want to have to deal with them spamming up my dashboard.

The appeal of the whole Tumblr thing I believe was the interesting things you could find on there, and the layout was definitely super attractive to my creative brain, but really, I can do the same kind of thing on here, can't I?

I want to start legitimately blogging again, and by golly, that doesn't mean I have to restrict myself from putting cute pictures up whenever I want on here. Tumblr isn't the only place I can do that!

Like this for instance, CariDee English, ANTM Cycle 7 winner. She might not have ended up with the best modeling career on the face of the planet after claiming her title of America's Next Top Model, but she did end up becoming the host of a show on Oxygen, and getting a really fucking edgy haircut, so really. Win fucking win.

That's bullshit.

2010-12-05T09:02:00.000-08:00

"You're a spoiled brat. Oh yes, it's true. You think nobody matters but you. Forget about the hungry in Mexico. Go play your stupid Nintendo. We've got everything we want. We're ungrateful spoiled little brats. Forget our humble self esteem, stop living for the selfish dream."

Is it so wrong to make the realization that you aren't going to change the world?

I mean, I thought it was just part of growing up, realizing that you probably aren't going to be a pop star, a princess, or the first woman president.

And quite honestly, to an extent, I don't want to be those things. I just want to be comfortable. I just want to be somewhere that suits me, and is it so terrible that what suits me is not being a princess?

According to some that's called complacency. That's me just settling for a middle class existence, and dooming myself to a life of unhappiness. But I don't think that will make me unhappy. I think it will make me more unhappy to strive for something I will most likely not achieve.

I don't have to force my opinions on others, and I don't have to prove to everyone else that I am right, and they are wrong. I'm sorry that I don't want to fill my life with conflict. And does that make me afraid? Does that make me a completely weak person?

No. It doesn't.

I think the idea that I am going to hate my life, because of being complacent is absolute bullshit.

I have so many things to say that could point out the hippocracy of the person who gave me this advice. I could tear down your argument one piece at a time, but will I? No. Because I have respect for your ideas, no matter how flawed, obscene, or fucking retarded they are.

Maybe that's just me being stupid, but I have always at least tried to understand how your mind works, even when what comes from it is almost an attack against me.

"So instead of hitting them or doing anything about it, you go post on your Tumblr, and blog about it."

Done, hope you're happy.

Starbucks My Dear, Starbucks.

2010-11-15T21:47:00.000-08:00

"If you were a country you'd be Switzerland. You never take a stand, your policy is never to offend. If you were a gambler you would always win, you'd only bet on the horses after they had already come in. And I'm sorry that I'm getting on your case, but true friends they stab you in the face."

I have officially applied to a school in Switzerland.

I mean, I think it would be kind of cool to go study abroad somewhere. It would be super neat to experience a new culture, while also going to school. The more I think about it, the more I am dreading the college experience. See, during the "pre-Drake" era, I was very welcoming to the college experience.

The whole flirtatious, partying, loose life that you see on television intrigued me, and I wanted to be a part of it. I knew I would be good at it at least.

But now, I don't want any of that anymore. I don't need to go be flirty when I have all I could ask for in a guy with me already. Unless we break up, which although is unlikely, could happen, I would like to not be involved with all the aspects of the college life experience. Maybe it's just not for me.

And besides that, even if we aren't together. I won't be missing out really, because getting to study abroad is an experience in itself.

College is stupid.

Why not Switzerland?

"Not for me, not for me. College, torture, college, university. Arts and crafts is all I need, I'll take calligraphy and then I'll make a fake degree."

Starbucks My Dear, Starbucks.

2010-11-15T15:47:00.000-08:00

"Fair Phyllis sitting all alone feeding her flock along the mountain side. Up and down, up and down, up and down, when they found her kissing.

Here I am at Starbucks working on homework. It's nice

But Izzie is certainly the best person EVAIR. Like seriously. I wish I could spend every moment of my life with that chick. She is AWESOME.

BLOG JACKED!! :P

Making a Mix

2010-11-14T16:26:00.000-08:00

And that frankly will not fly. You will hear the shrillest highs and lowest lows with the windows down when this song's guiding you home. And they will see us waving from such great heights. 'Come down now,' they'll say. But everything looks perfect from far away. Come down now, but we'll stay.

I'm working on your birthday present that's already a month late. I'm sorry it's taking so long. I should have it to you by Christmas when we leave to go back home.

I am going to miss you so much over break. It already makes me sad just thinking about it.

Why yes, they are laughing at me.

2010-11-14T12:39:00.000-08:00

Now you could study Shakespeare and be quite elite. And you could charm the critics and have nothing to eat. Just slip on a banana peel and have the world at your feet. Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh.

I think one of the best feelings of my entire life, is that towards the end of Big Love, I walk on stage and people start laughing, just because I've walked on.

By this time I have established my character in two previous scenes. And from that people deem that I am funny.

That I am adorably funny.

I never thought I'd be that character. Last year I saw The Tempest, and I remembered that happening with Skylar, Sam, and Kyra.

Now it's me.

I always thought that all the kids in George Drama were way out of my league in the talent sense. They were all so far above me, and I could never ever compare.

You never know until you try.

What I learned from this show is?

2010-11-14T12:30:00.000-08:00

But I have to go with my whole instinct when it tells me that I love him and he loves me, and nothing else matters. Even if other things matter quite a lot. Even if it's in the midst of everyone getting killed. Maybe this is how people end up marrying Nazis but I can't help it.

My favorite part of this isn't about how great her love is, it could even overcome death on the scale of that which occurs in the play; it's when she says, "even if other things matter quite a lot."

I know that there are a lot of things in my life that matter. I have a lot of caring friends, I have my family, I have a future to look toward, I have school to push myself through.

And yet, I know that when we are together that is the only thing that matters.

I know it sounds cheesy.
I know it sounds cliche.
I know it sounds stupid.

But when he and I do anything together, whether it's playing Angry Birds on his phone, or telling each other things we would never tell anyone else. It's the only thing that matters.

About three months ago, what feels like forever ago, I met this guy. He just sort of happened upon me where I never expected him to be, and I've never been so pleasantly surprised in my whole life.

2010-10-14T09:33:00.001-07:00

I feel bad Blogger, that I've replaced you with Tumblr. but you really have become obsolete to me.

Time Flies

2010-08-09T10:44:00.000-07:00

Today is my one year anniversary of living in Denver, Colorado.

I have a lot of mixed feelings regarding this particular event. I mean, I've done a considerable amount of growing up, I've traversed the path of self discovery overall with my head held high, even through I've come out of it with some scrapes and bruises. However, I feel strangely unaccomplished. I feel like I should have been doing more with my time here, like I could have managed better, been better.

Then I find myself thinking,

"Why the hell does it matter."

Right now, I am happy.
Right now, I am content.
Right now, I feel prepared.
Right now, I have things worked out.

So why should I look into the past and think about the things I could have done.
When it's time for me to think about all the things that are happening right now, and all the things that will happen in the future.

2010-06-18T16:39:00.001-07:00

syphillus, it all started with a little kiss, now it hurts to even take a piss. Oh why did I get syphillus! Leprosey, all my parts are falling off of me, I'm only half the man I used to be, oh why did I get leproseyyyyy!

2010-05-22T21:03:00.001-07:00

I am tired of doing this, I am tired of pretty much everything. I need a break from everyone. I need somewhere to go sleep or die or something. I don't know really.

To Be Gone

2010-04-30T16:22:00.000-07:00

So, here I am. Home at five for the first time in the last month. It's rather boring actually. Really, really, boring.

I suppose that isn't entirely too terrible though. I mean, if anything, this will give me a reason to blog again.

Another countdown has begun, another set of days until I once again, return to my roots. Last time was not exactly what you would call fun, but I think it will be different this time. I think that this go around, things will be alot better. I would say that's just false, guilty optimism, but I'm starting to convince myself otherwise. I mean, I know it isn't going to be fun the whole time I'm there...

but this will, overall, give me a chance to show them I've changed. That I'm a different person.

And honestly, I have a few people to thank for that.

There are people out there who have showed me what it means to be myself. There are people out there who have showed me that it's okay to show my feelings. There are people out there who have taught me that who I was, where I came from, what my past is, that all of those things don't make me excluded.

I have been shown that people really, truly care. Those people know who they are...and if they don't. I guess they could ask me if they are one of them.

Today was the last day for the IB senior class. I'm not one to cry at things like this, but I definitely will miss them. I know alot of things aren't going to be the same without them. I just hope that next year, people will have a reason to miss me. I hope that I inspire people with whatever it is I do, enough so that they will want to do the same when they are older.

I get that this feeling could be interpreted as being egocentric, and narcissistic, but I think that's okay with me.

Goodbye seniors...

you inspired me.

Musical Genius

2010-04-19T12:39:00.000-07:00

So here I am, at the Auraria Campus Library, listening to a mousy, gray haired woman talk about researching full text art journals for someones extended essay.

Why am I here?

She is fumbling around with her computer, it would be entertaining if I weren't ten feet away from Mrs. Geimer, and some other somewhat intimidating library official with a fake smile plastered on his face.

I think he might have a crush on the woman speaking at the front. He laughs at everything she says, even the stuff that is in no way shape or form funny. Every once and awhile though, he stares at her with this longing kind of look. It's interesting to watch, for the sole reason that the woman has no idea.

She just keeps rambling on about databases that she doesn't really know about, but, "no worries," she tells us. "If you act like you own the place, no one questions you."

I am stuck here until two, maybe two thirty.

I have found a total of five books to start my bull shit essay on.

Some of them might actually be interesting to read. there is one called The History in Sound. It goes through protest worthy instances throughout the twentieth century, and analyzes the music used to represent them.

There is another one that discusses modern music, and that's okay and all, but what made this book special is that it breaks it down into genre.

Not the IB definition of genre, mind you, but the generally accepted one, like folk, rock, etc.

This one talks about social vs. anti-social genres and how that affects how it works for a protest nature. They talk about how rock and folk are social forms of protest music, while goth and heavy metal are anti-social. If anything, from this extended essay I will at least enjoy reading this.

The love stricken librarian man is staring at me. I think he realizes that I am not searching databases. that's fine by me though, I would search if they gave me something to search with. They've gone over every subject but mine

awesome.

I always find myself studying protests. I never really know why, it just happens. I never plan on it, but it finds me. I'm not sure as to whether I am happy about this or not.

Remember my ninth grade poetry project?

My teacher told me, protest is too general, punk rock isn't going to work.

Guess who got one hundred percent on her project?

I hope this works out for me.

What to Tell Me

2010-04-13T21:12:00.000-07:00

"You can't belittle your problems. I think yours are pretty big."

I once read in my Psychology book that something shouldn't be considered a phobia or a problem until it starts having an effect on your daily life. This is how I interpret a lot of things. Something really shouldn't be put into too much thought unless it starts having an effect on your everyday activities. The only problem with this state of mind, this way of thinking is that it sucks when you realize that something has crossed that line and has actually become a problem.

I think the discovery that you actually have something to worry about is worse than having the issue in the first place.

Not to say that I have a psychological issue, I mean, it's not like I've ever been analyzed by professionals, but I would like to assume that I am mostly sane.

I think everyone would like to assume that they are mostly sane.

So maybe something of mine has become a problem, because it affects my every day life, the question is;

How do I fix it, or make it better?

Someone told me to seek professional help, but honestly, I don't think I could deal with that. That sounds absolutely terrifying and doesn't seem to fit my problems at all.

My problems seem to obscurely fit into a Days of Our Lives script, and you don't see any of those people in therapy do ya?

Nah, I don't think that's for me. I feel like they will just want me to talk, but I think writing is better anyway. More or less theraputic in it's own way.

Then again, I write entirely in ambiguities and rarely ever in specifics, unless it's a quote, I like those.

Anyway, so if anything I guess that today, on my path to self discovery, that people think I have issues. Some people think I have major problems.

Do I agree with them?

Well, I guess eventually, with my Psychology-book-philosophy, all will be told in time.

Hit Me Up

2010-04-02T10:13:00.000-07:00

I havn't done this in awhile. Here is some hintage to my tunage.

"We'll sing love songs about heartbreak and grief. Sing it's not just music, but the pains not brief. We sing, how your love is like a knife in the back. Well I was stabbed and bleeding, but still begging for attack."
-Slow Glass, Noah & the Whale

"And I thought you were the moon in the sky, but it turned out you were just a street light. You were burning like a hole in the night. You were burning like a city of electric light."
-City of Electric Light, Chad VanGaalen

"I've got secrets from you, you've got secrets from me, because you're so worried about what I'm gonna think. Baby, I'm worried too."
-Paranoia in B Major, The Avett Brothers

"I saw you the other day, you were tearful but that's okay. I saw you the other day, and you were screaming with laughter but that's okay, because I do like you. I do like you today."
-Because I Do, Pearl and the Puppets

"We could do it all, and it'd all go faster. Things could multiply at apalling rates. Then we'd lose our heads and we'd still go faster, even on our birthdays."
-Lolita, Throw Me The Statue

"We're all scared. Gotta wonder what's out there, shooting down the ones who did what we wish we dared. Everybody's scared to karaoke in the open. Afraid we're not as special as what we might be hoping."
-So Bright, Superchic[k]

"Say what you mean. Is it a trick? Is it a lie? Well, am I to work? Am I to work to pay for your unexcurisons."
-Moments Before Sleep, Blue Roses

"The light was leaving, in the West it was blue. The Childrens laughter sang, skipping just like the stones they threw. The voices echoed across the way. It's getting late."
-Constelations, Jack Johnson

"Why don't you sit right down and stay awhile? We like the same things, and I like your style. It's not a secret. Why do you keep it? I'm just sitting on the shelf"
-Why Do You Let Me Stay Here, She & Him

"In early '99 I beat the Ocarina of Time. I'm quite the legend in this town,
my friends get wicked shit from all the foul-mouth fools you roll with. Just push your luck, there will be blood, most likely your own carnage."
-@!#?@!, Motion City Soundtrack

"I can't look at the rocket launch, trophy wives of the astronauts, and I won't listen to their words, cause I like birds."
-I Like Birds, Eels

"Save up all the days, a routine malaise. Just like yesterday, I told you I would stay. Would you always, maybe sometimes, make it easy? Take your time."
-Two Weeks, Grizzly Bear

"Working all day for a mean little man, with a clip on tie and a rub on tan. He's got me running round the office like dog around a track, but when I get back home you're always there to rub my back."
-Hey Julie, Fountains of Wayne

To Those Who Appreciate

2010-03-29T20:13:00.000-07:00

"But I hate sweaters"

"Carissa! It's not about the sweater itself so much as the spirit of the appreciation!"

Yes, the Sweater Appreciation Club has officially spread to the west side. I'm totally excited.

Things, at least for this particular aspect of my life, are going swimmingly. I've got a great, excited, vice president. Alot of spirit, and thirty five members in counting!

I'm totally excited for this to really take root. I've already picked my sweater for next Thursday.

But like I told Carissa, sweaters are great, yeah, that really can't be denied. However, it is really just the whole energy surrounding the SAC that makes it so special. The sweater needs to be appreciated, that's true, but really for me it's about how something as simple as a sweater can be so positive.

I mean, the day before, the hours before even, things just felt lost.

And I'm not saying that the SAC cleared my mind or anything, but by george it was a successful distraction from everything that's been going on. Isn't that cool enough?

It's similar to that line in Dogma, when Serandipity says something like

"It isn't necessarily what you have faith in, but that you HAVE faith."

I think that applies to this situation here. I mean,

It isn't necessarily that you have appreciation for sweaters, but just that you HAVE appreciation.

Maybe that's a strech, but I think you all get the point.

Admit It

2010-03-24T11:04:00.000-07:00

I can't say I am totally unaffected by this whole situation.

I mean, it sucks. The title of "filler girl" is not a pleasant one.

If I do nothing, then the world looks on me as if I am hiding something.
If I do something, then I will be judged on my behavior.

Awesome right?

I guess it isn't a huge deal though, I figured passiveness would get me somewhere. It did...and yet I am still under the impression that I didn't get what I might have wanted. Then again, since I didn't know what I wanted, that is also a falacy in itself.

Nothing was done in specifics to me I suppose. People were looking out for themselves, and that's okay too. Now I get to do what I am good at, being passive.

I did alot of expanding my horizons over the last few weeks. My first instinct is to revert that immediately, but I am fighting to not do so. I am trying really hard to just accept. A clean get away.

Make Your Comparisons

2010-03-15T10:40:00.000-07:00

"The original punk rocker, Mozart"
-Kyle Williams

The Piano Concerto number 23 is my favorite composition of his.

The intricate piano motif makes me think, and the back up airophones and cordophones are superiorly complimentary to the piece as a whole. I think it should probably be taken a closer look at, since it is just absolutely stunning to listen to .

For my music class, I am suppused to make a musical comparison.

I definitely want to use this Mozart piece...but what to pair it with.

I think I want to use Hammers and Strings, Jack's Mannequin.

It has a similar feel to it in the hesitation in the piano line, but there is also the use of cordophones, and vocals that accentuates this but isn't the main part of the peice.

Like Mozart's Piano Concerto, it also has a point where it get's slightly happier in the beginning.

I don't know...I'm probably going on a leap here, knowing nothing about music really. I should probably take more time and do it right, go with the multicultural thing. But this might be just more interesting. Although my teacher will probably shut me down.

I am just drawn to these two songs, but maybe I should just listen to them instead of doing my project on them.

Oh well, wasting time blogging about it doesn't solve the problem, if anything it just makes it more official that I am going to use these two pieces. If he doesn't like it, that's fine.

These two songs speak to me, and I think they speak to eachother too.

Isn't that the rewarding part about music anyway?

For You

2010-03-07T13:18:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there was a girl who had a blog. A blog that for whatever reason, lead to really great things. The best of which being the most recent.

I would like to think that I am a rational person, one who thinks things through and comes out on the other end of it all with a good decision. However, that would be a lie. In reality I'm simply inconsistant, and sometimes just plain stupid.

and yet, people accept me this way. In fact, some people like me this way.

I'm the type of person that likes to watch things unfold around her, not do the unfolding herself. When I'm scared, I just step back from the situation and avoid it.

Not all the time though, sometimes I face things head on. Sometimes I take initiative, walk to the edge of the cliff, and force myself to jump.

Again with inconsistancy.

So the other day, when I found myself speechless of a particular situation, I tried to hide from it.

That was probably a bad decision now that I think of it.

I thought I had made a decision, but then every time I see the person involved, I change my mind. That's the funny thing. I'm a big fan of the live and let die thing, but I don't feel the same way about this.

Everyone that I ask advice from says the same thing. To do what feels right for you, but that is hard for me. I've spent the majority of my life living to do things for others...to do something for me, to make my own decision? That's something I have a hard time doing.

I would like to think that this post is once again being written to the "ambiguous you" of the internet, but I know I would be wrong.

I know who I am writing to specifically, because I know they read this...and I think that this person knows who they are too.

When I Think of Home

2010-03-07T08:51:00.000-08:00

"I think the most noble thing of them all is to do something good, and to be content with not being recognized for it."

-Mr. Arichea

Everyone kept saying the Wiz was a fitting musical, especially the seniors that were dealing with their own, personal home identity crisis at this crucial time when sooner, rather than later, they will pack up and move away from whatever they considered to be their homes.

"I mean, what is home, but a place of broken furniture, shattered dreams, faded memories..."

No. Since I moved away from my faded memories, I have discovered a new meaning of the word home, yet I don't think this really became clear to me until yesterday.

Mr. Arichea said that The Wiz made him realize where his home was, it made him connect the seemingly scattered dots together to form a picture unique to him.

I know this is the same for me too.

"When I think of home, I think of a place where there's love overflowing."

Telephone Talk

2010-02-15T14:05:00.000-08:00

"I don't answer the phone. I get the feeling whenever I do that there will be someone on the other end."

I'm not the type to talk on the telephone, I've never really enjoyed it.

I'm the type that if she thinks she has the chance will walk away from the phone and come back later to pick up the conversation.

There is just so much you can't convey, and I'm the type who likes to convey everything just the way I want it.

The written word is a great way to achieve that, so is music. I think that's why I like those things so much.

Even talking in person, body actions, facial expressions, they explain so much. There are points in converstaions where saying nothing is better than saying something, and when talking on the telephone you can't really have those without alot of awkwardness.

Alot of people assume that texting is less personal, easier to lie with, and in some ways I can see where that comes from.

If you knew what you were doing, you could get away with alot using just the right words, but I would like to believe that most people aren't like that.

I would like to think that most people don't sit around planning out every word for it's specific result, but that is kind of wishful thinking since I do that myself sometimes.

People express alot in words, even when they don't mean to.

When you know the person, it's especially easy to understand what they are feeling through a text. With some people, their texts sound like them.

I don't know, maybe it's all in my head.

Isn't that how everything goes? It could just be you and your unique snowflake of an existance, or it could be fact. I guess we will never really know.

I mean when you think about it, excluding music, because that stands on it's own...

when people want to hear and understand a story, they typically look for something more than audio.

I think out of all the various media forms we have, the radio is one of the least popular. Most people just stick with their television sets and books.

It's probably just convenience. I mean, we can't watch TV, or read while we drive, so we tune in to a talk show concerning peoples love lives, because lord knows there's no good music on the radio anymore.

We talk on the phone because it is more convenient than having to go find that person, or travel the long distance that might exist between you.

Maybe I'm just weird. I see a love of phone talking all over the place.

My sister, Anna, stays up every night til three in the morning talking to her boyfriend Jim. My friend Justin says he talks to his friend Jenny on the phone every night before he goes to sleep. My mom wants to call me every week to talk, and poor Josiah, following all the teen magazine advice he had read, called me every day for the months we were dating.

I'm just not the type, I'd rather read a letter, or a text, or better yet make that distance to talk to you in person. That could involve a road trip, and those are always fun.

But once again with necessity.

If I havn't talked to that person in a long while, and they call, I tolerate it for awhile at least, but after that while I start to get antsy and would love more than anything to get away.

I don't know, maybe I just havn't found the right person to talk to in this ever-so-popular form of communication.

Who knows, maybe someday someone will turn me onto it.
That would be the day.

Summer Dreams, Ripped at the Seams

2010-02-14T15:02:00.000-08:00

I am having a huge summer craving.

I just am jonesing to just lay out in some grass under a blue sky and listen to my music for hours. Only happy music, with a swift beat, and acoustic instruments.

I would preferably be wearing a nice pair of cloth shorts.
A good solid color, like chocolate brown, or strong navy blue perhaps; these would definitely have a nice pair of pockets on them. I can't stand to be without pockets.

A well fitting graphic tee, with a favorite band on the front, or maybe a catchy phrase.

I have this feeling, this scene in my head. Just to be under an open sky, with my favorite tunes to be the soundtrack of this memory.

...and I think I would bring someone with me. Just to talk to when the time felt just right. Inbetween the meandering, undemanded thoughts that swim through your head at a moment like this.

That would be nice...

but instead I find myself looking out the window at the snow, and craving something green, something blue, something yellow,

some happy.

Spinning On Its Axis

2010-02-13T19:20:00.000-08:00

"Chaos killed the dinosaurs darling."

Sometimes I just like to step back and realize how crazy the world is.

I don't think that should be thought upon as a bad thing though. I mean although the chaos going on around us can be overwhelming at times, it is what makes life interesting.

If we always knew what was going to happen, if we always were in complete understanding of everything at every moment, then life wouldn't be much of an experience would it?

I mean, without the various, random, sporadic moments that occur in everyone's lives, you woulnd't be friends with the same people, or listen to the same music, or have certain dear-to-your-heart experiences.

If you think about it, all of the best movie plots are of people who are caught up in the craziness of life, and have learned to embrace it.

Ferris Buellers Day Off? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? The Breakfast Club? Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist?

These are prime examples of people who ended up with something really great, all resulting from the fact that the place we live in is fucked up.

I don't know for sure, but maybe I appreciate this fact slightly more than the average person, because I grew up in a place where those moments become something you rely on.

That in combination with the fact that I can't stay in one place, or stay still for long periods of time results in this acceptance to just go with the madly spinning rotation of the earth.

When you have no planned place to go, and nowhere to plan to go, you just go anywhere. You grab some friends, pull them in the car, and drive.

Where are you going?

Good question.

The second you see something along the road you want to stop and check out further, you do. Whether it's a random abandoned dinosaur exhibit in the woods, a pretty spot along the mountains, or a skating rink in the middle of nowhere, you just go.

And when you are with the right people, or maybe even just all by yourself, you end up coming out with some of the best memories of your life.

Someone once asked me if I had noticed any major differences between people in Shippensburg and people in Denver, and I can't help but see one of the more obvious.

That the people, or at least the people I found myself friends with, are a rediculous amount more random than those I am with now.

I'm not talking about day to day conversations and activities, those are really the same.

But when it comes to the weekend, or long summer days, my friends back east know how to just do the weirdest shit.

Just the other day, I got an mms from a friend of mine of a jar of pickles strapped into the car with a seatbelt.

When I asked him what he was doing with a jar of pickles, he replied...

"We are running around town taking pictures with the pickle jar.."

Maybe not to you, but to me, this sounds rediculously fun.

Even when you don't do something in particular, if you can't find a place on the side of the road to stop, you just spend hours in the car driving around nowhere.

And when you do that, you find yourself talking about the weirdest things, and playing the weirdest games, and singing your favorite songs, and soon enough you definitely find out what your favorite beverage from the convenience store is.

I will always love a good Bubblegum Jone's Soda, or a Dragonfruit Vitaminwater, hah.

If you didn't go with what life seems to punch you in the face with, you wouldn't have those moments when you realize that someone really cares about you.

If we didn't experience grief, or these moments we find ourselves in, when we just can't stop feeling stressed, or down, or distracted we would never be able to see the feelings others have toward us.

I mean, we have all experinced it.

That time when you were so stressed about something that you just wanted to crawl into a hole and die, and someone you know steps in and realizes without provocation that something is wrong.

And they know just the right thing to say, and even if you didn't know it before, you now understand that whoever that person is, they care.

That's always a nice feeling. Even for someone who sometimes runs away from that attention like me.

If you didn't click on that random youtube link, you might have never found your favorite band.

If you didn't make those cookies, you wouldn't have found one of your best friends.

If you didn't take that offer to move across the country, even though you didn't plan on it at all...

You wouldn't have found your life.

Film Fantastic

2010-02-13T15:27:00.000-08:00

One of the things I bond over the most with people are movies. Sometimes they are just one of the best passtimes to relate over.

It's one of the things my dad and I do all the time, watch movies.
We typically like the same stuff, so it's just another reason why we relate so well.

I like movies that tell a story, the type of story that makes you think. I'm not a big fan of movies that have no plot, or are all about the blood and gore. Nor am I a huge fan of those that focus on cheesy romance. I like origional stories.

I mean, I've said before that I like things that are unique, and I meant it.

Here are some of my favorite movie quotes.

"I kept asking Clarence why our world seemed to be collapsing and things seemed to be getting so shitty. And he'd say, "that's the way it goes, but don't forget, it goes the other way too." That's the way romance is... Usually, that's the way it goes, but every once in awhile, it goes the other way too."

-Alabama, True Romance

"People will look at the ashes of Westerburg and say, "Now there's a school that self-destructed, not because society didn't care, but because the school was society." Now that's deep."

-JD, Heathers

"Joel, I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.

I remember that speech really well.

I had you pegged, didn't I?

You had the whole human race pegged."

-Joel and Clementine, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

"I want you to take a chance, and trust me, and tell me what happened to you.

Okay. My family got shot down by D.E.A. officers because of a drug problem. I left with the greatest guy on earth. He was a hit man — the best in town. But he died this morning... and if you don't help me, I'll be dead by tonight."

Mathilda, The Professional

"Instead he just uses it as an excuse to put his testicles all over me!

Sorry, what?

Uh, how you say... octopus... testicles.

No, tentacles. N-T. There's a big Difference."

Monique and Lane, Better off Dead

"I just honestly don't know what I have in common with those people anymore... or with anyone, really. I mean, they'll all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they'll have made themselves a part of something, and they can talk about what they do. And what am I going to say? "I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How have you been?" I just think it'll be depressing."

-Martin, Grosse Point Blank

"No one wants to die Harold, unfortunately we do. Harold, Harold listen to me. Harold, you will die, some day, some time; heart failure at the bank, choke on a mint. Some long drawn-out disease you've contracted on vacation, you will die. You will absolutely die. Even if you avoid this death, another will find you. And I guarantee, that it won't be nearly as poetic or as meaningful as what she's written. I'm sorry but it's...it's the nature of all tragedies Harold. The hero dies, and the story goes on forever."

-Professor Jules Hilbert, Stranger than Fiction

"Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. And then, one not-so-very special day, I went to my typewriter, I sat down, and I wrote our story. A story about a time, a story about a place, a story about the people. But above all things, a story about love. A love that will live forever. The End."

-Christian, Moulin Rouge

"Yeah, you just take Soupy Sales to prom. I can think of so many cooler things to do that night. Like, you know what Bleek? I might pumice my feet, uh, I might go to Bren's dumb Unitarian Church, maybe get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice, you know? 'Cause all those things would be exponentially cooler than going to prom with you!"

-Juno, Juno

"You are not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world."

-Tyler Durden, Fight Club

"Voila! In view humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the “vox populi” now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin, van guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.
The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.
Verily this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it’s my very good honour to meet you and you may call me V.

Are you a crazy person?

I'm quite sure they will say so."

Evey and V, V for Vendetta

"The whole book's gender-biased. A woman's responsible for original sin. A woman cuts Samson's coif of power. A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist. Read that book again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined."

-Serendipity, Dogma

"There's only one reason Christian girls come down to the Planned Parenthood!

She's planting a pipe bomb!?

Well, two reasons.

With Dean? I think there's a better chance of that pipe bomb."

-Roland and Cassandra, Saved

"My name is Harvey Milk and I'm here to recruit you! I want to recruit you in the fight to preserve your democracy! My brothers and sisters you must come out! Come out to your parents, come out to your friends — if indeed they are your friends! Come out to your neighbors! Come out to your fellow workers! Once and for all, let's break down the myths and destroy the lies and distortions!"

-Harvey, Milk

"Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is... Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. They we're not perfect, but they were my friends and by the '70s, most of them were out living lives. Some I've seen, some never again, but there isn't a day my heart doesn't find them."

-Susanna, Girl Interrpted

"Your brain is meat, and rots and disappears. Do you really think that's all there was to you? Like you're in your house right now. You're in your house, that doesn't mean you are your house. House falls down, you get out and walk away."

-Albert, What Dreams May Come

"Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner;' there's a double meaning in that!"

-Benedick, Much Ado About Nothing

Words, Not of My Own

2010-02-03T10:18:00.000-08:00

Shakespeare is one of my favorite people in the world.

Even if he didn't exist, the works associated with him still do...and honestly, that is the important part. At least to me.

His plays are indeed some of the most amazing things to find yourself reading.

But it is The Sonnets that really are cause for interest. As if the poetic beauty of it wasn't enough, there are so many theories as to why they were even written that are just fascinating. There is no other way to put it really.

I never considered myself a romantic until I fell in love with the Sonnets.

I guess it's hard to explain without you seeing what my favorites are...so here you go, the ambiguous you to which I write ever so frequently. My favorite Sonnets.

Not in any particular order, mind you, just numerical order.

60
Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore,
So do our minutes hasten to their end,
Each changing place with that which goes before;
In sequent toil all forwards do contend.
Nativity, once in the main of light,
Crawls to maturity, wherewith being crowned
Crooked eclipses 'gainst his glory fight,
And time that gave doth now his gift confound.
Time doth transfix and flourish set on youth,
And delves the parallels in beauty's brow;
Feeds on the rarities of nature's truth,
And nothing stands but for his scythe to mow.
And yet to times in hope my verse shall stand,
Praising thy worth despite his cruel hand.

71
No longer mourn for me when I am dead
Than you shall hear the surly sullen bell
Give warning to the world that I am fled
From this vile world with vilest worms to dwell.
Nay, if you read this line, remember not
The hand that writ it; for I love you so
That I in your sweet thoughts would be forgot
If thinking on me then should make you woe.
O, if, I say, you look upon this verse
When I perhaps compounded am with clay,
Do not so much as my poor name rehearse,
But let your love even with my life decay,
Lest the wise world should look into your moan
And mock you with me after I am gone.

72
O, lest the world should task you to recite
What merit lived in me that you should love,
After my death, dear love, forget me quite;
For you in me can nothing worthy prove-
Unless you would devise some virtuous lie
To do more for me than mine own desert,
And hang more praise upon deceased I
Than niggard truth would willingly impart.
O, lest your true love may seem false in this,
That you for love speak well of me untrue,
My name be buried where my body is,
And live no more to same nor me nor you;
For I am shamed by that which I bring forth,
And so should you, to love things nothing worth.

81
Or shall I live your epitaph to make,
Or you survive when I in earth am rotten.
From hence your memory death cannot take,
Although in me each part will be forgotten.
Your name from hence immortal life shall have,
Though I, once gone, to all the world must die.
The earth can yield me but a common grave
When you entombed in men's eyes shall lie.
Your momentum shall be my gentle verse,
Which eyes not yet created shall o'er-read,
And tongues to be your being shall rehearse
When all the breathers of this world are dead.
You still shall live-such virtue hath my pen-
Where breath most breathes, even in moths of men.

90 (one of my top favorites)
Then hate me when thou wilt, if ever, now,
Now while the world is bent my deeds to cross,
Join with the spite of fortune, make me bow,
And do not drop in or an after-loss.
And do not, when my heart hath scaped this sorrow,
Come in the rearward of conquered woe;
Give not a windy night a rainy morrow
To linger out a purposed overthrow.
If thou wilt leave me, do not leave me last,
When other petty griefs have done their spite,
But in the onset come; so shall I taste
At first the very worst o fortune's might,
And other strains of woe, which now seem woe,
Compared with loss of thee will not seem so.

92 (another top favorite)
But do thy worst to steal thyself away,
For term of life thou art assured mine,
And life no longer than thy love will stay,
For it depends upon that love of thine.
Then need I not to fear the worst of wrongs
When in the least o them my life hath end.
I see a better state to me belongs
Than that which on thy humour doth depend.
Thou canst not vex me with inconstant mind,
Since that my life on thy revolt doth lie.
O, what a happy title do I find-
Happy to have thy love, happy to die!
But what's so blessed fair that fears no blot?
Thou mayst be false, and yet I know it not.

109 (<3)
O never say that I was false of heart,
Though absence seemed my flame to qualify-
As easy might I from myself depart,
As from my soul, where in thy breast doth lie.
That is my home of love. If I have ranged,
Like him that travels I return again,
Just to the time, not with the time exchanged,
So that myself bring water for my stain.
Never believe, though in my nature reigned
All frailties that besiege all kinds of blood,
That it could so preposterously be stained
To leave for nothing all thy sum of good;
For nothing this wide universe I call
Save thou my rose; in it thou art my all.

116 (I have this one memorized)
Let me not the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring barque,
Whose worth's unknown although his height be taken.
Love's not time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

121 (top favorites)
'Tis better to be vile than vile esteemed
When not to be receives reproach of being,
And the just pleasure lost, which is so deemed
Not by our feeling but by others' seeing.
For why should others' false adulterate eyes
Give salutation to my sportive blood?
Or on my frailties why are frailer spies,
Which in their wills count bad what I think good?
No, I am that I am, and they that level
At my abuses reckon up their own.
I may be straight, though they themselves be bevel;
By their rank thoughts my deeds must not be shown,
Unless this general evil they maintain:
All men are bad and in their badness reign.

141
In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes,
For they in thee a thousand errors note;
But 'tis my heart that loves what they despise,
Who in despite of view is pleased to dote.
Nor are mine ears with thy tongue's tune delighted,
Nor tender feeling to base touches prone;
Nor taste nor smell desire to be invited
To any sensual feast with thee alone;
But my five wits, nor my five sense can
Dissuade one foolish heart from serving thee,
Who leaves unswayed the likeness of a man.
Thy proud heart's slave and vassal-wretch to be.
Only my plague thus far I count my gain:
That she that makes me sin awards me pain.

145 (top favorite)
Those lips that love's own hand did make
Breathed forth the sound that said 'I hate'
To me that languished for her sake;
But when she saw my woeful state,
Straight in her heart did mercy come,
Chiding that tongue that ever sweet
Was used in giving gentle doom,
And taught it thus anew to greet:
'I hate' she altered with an end
That followed it as gentle day
Doth follow night who, like a fiend,
From heaven to hell is flown away.
'I hate' from hate away she threw,
and saved my life, saying 'not you.'

Just some enlightenment for you. Amazing how so many situations that happen in my life can apply to these sets of sixteen lines.

Sometimes your own words can't really describe what you want to say.

Thank god for Shakespeare.

Your Perception Changed

2010-02-02T10:41:00.000-08:00

"You're the echoes of my everything. You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night. You're the laziness of afternoon. You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom. How will I break the news to you?"
-Motion City Soundtrack, Hold Me Down

I supposed telepathy is what I would like to apply to this situation.

People are so confusing, they say one thing and mean another, and although I see this in myself constantly and know the reasoning behind my own indecision and ambiguous nature-

I still find myself at a loss understanding other people's.

Confusion is For Lack of a Better Description, Confusing

2010-02-02T10:33:00.000-08:00

"Save for a few of those late night episodes, missed opportunities that I don't care. There's not alot that I feel obliged to share, or talk about."
-Motion City Soundtrack, Hold Me Down

It find it important to note,

that the second you think you have figured someone out
the second you think you understand them

they change on you.

Whether it is intentionally planned or not, it sure as hell is confusing.

I mean just the other day, two people that I thought I understood changed before my eyes in a span of three hours.

I know that this probably happens to other people when they look at me.

After going through a fight with one of my friends over the summer, I discussed this with my friend Jake.

"You have layers of personality, and people don't really understand that. When they get to a layer they didn't expect they panic."

So I shouldn't really be surprised that other people are the same.

Or maybe, it is the perspective of the viewer that changes. I mean, I may view someone as something one day, and my perspective might change and I discover something new. It may have always been there, in fact, it probably was always there, but if you have chosen to ignore it all this time, no wonder it's a surprise.

Everyone has to be honest for a moment and understand that we don't treat all of our friends equally.

Quite the contrary, actually.

I mean we all make the differentiation between our best friends and our cool-to-hang-out-with-friends, but even within our best friends circle (particularly for girls) we have designated roles for different friends.

I admit to doing exactly that.

I don't seperate into, "which friends are best-er friends," but I have certain friends that I only really talk about certain things with.

I have a friend I talk about boy stuff with,
A friend to talk about my family issues,
friends that I focus my "deeper discussions"

and then there are some that I talk about everything with.

and then there are those that I consider closer to me that I talk about nothing with. Funny, huh?

Well just recently I have had two people tell me that their opinion of me, their view of me has changed.

Dramatically.

and I accept this...

So is it okay for me to still be utterly confused by it?

Still Fighting It

2010-01-31T11:55:00.000-08:00

"Everybody knows it hurts to grow up, but everybody does, so weird to be back here. Let me tell you what, the years go on and we're still fighting, and we're still fighting it. You try, and try, and some day, I'll fly away from here."
-Ben Folds

The other day I found myself passing a jewelry store in the mall, and a thought snuck up on me.

I'm not the type to go under the effects of a romantic speal of thoughts, but for whatever reason the stereotypical teenage girl got the best of me.

I caught myself thinking that not too far into the future, some guy is going to bend down on one knee and give me one of those god damn rediculous rings.

Funny, that if I were to ever get that ring, I wouldn't think it as being rediculous. I would probably see the beauty in the thing, whether it actually falls under the socially acceptable definition of pretty or not.

At this point I started doing some math in my head.

I am currently sixteen years old.
The majority of the population get, on average, engaged around the age of twentyfive.

25-16=9

Holy shit.

I remember a time when I used to watch The Sound of Music with my older sister, Anna. We would love the part when Ralph sings his ever so famous tune...

"You are sixteen, going on seventeen-"

We would be sitting on the couch, or my parents bed, and I remember thinking that I would never get that old. How far away sixteen seemed, and how mature the characters of that age were to me.

Even beyond the sound of music. Ariel, from The Little Mermaid is only 16. Aurora, from Sleeping Beauty, is 16, and Snow White (although the worst Disney Princess in my opinion that I will divulge on in a later blog post) is 15 years old.

The fact that these girls have found their Prince Charmings at such a young age seems like the most rediculous thing I have ever heard. Especailly now that I am that age.

I cannot, in any way, imagine being carried off by my one true love at the age I am now.

Yet, I see people who have.

My mom did it, seventeen and married, but even so, that was back in the old days...a historic period entitled the eighties.

But now things have started to hit home.

My sister, for example, has found the guy that, she says, is the love of her life.

She has planned out her kids names and her entire wedding reception. Even so, her love, although very real, is still far from the point where she will actually say, "I do." at any alter.

and then there is Chelsea.

My friend of almost ten years is getting married.

I find it extremely rediculous that in a short year I will be wearing a bridesmaid's dress, and giving a speech at the wedding for a girl that I played ponies with a few short years ago.

It is hard for me to believe that this is actually happening.

The question, I think at this point, becomes "Which do I want to be treated as, an adult or a child?"

Ben Folds was right, growing up sucks.

Maybe I will just keep fighting it.

Self Reliance

2010-01-21T16:45:00.000-08:00

I have had alot of talks recently about how I live my life.

How I bend to everyone else, just to keep everyone around me happy. How I have lived my whole life trying to repent for sins I never committed. How my sense of loyalty towards others gets the best of me.

I mean, there are definitely some salvagable things, I mean. I find myself to be a really good person for the most part. I love certain aspects about myself, things I wouldn't trade for the world.

I can still keep those things and still learn something new.

I can stay in touch with myself while discovering a new way of life.

It is time for me to gain self-confidence, and to know that, yes, I am important enough to stand up for.

Someone told me once that standing up for yourself, knowing your own self worth, is one of the most important things out there. It is what transitions you from a life of "good enoughs" to what you actually want.

And that is what my problem seemed to root itself to.

I was stuck in this idea that life is just something to get by. That other people define me, and that in my head. I was defined to be just "good enough."

and then I was introduced to what someone once called the "do it yourself ethic"

DIY

wikipedia says that the DIY ethic refers to the ethic of being self-reliant by completing tasks oneself as opposed to having others who are more experienced or able to complete them for you. It promotes the idea that an ordinary person can learn to do more than he or seh thought was possible. Naturally, a DIY attitude requires that teh adherent attain the knowledge required to complete a given task. Without this DIY is not an effective dogma. The term can refer to "doing" anything at all, including creative endeavors.

Rather than belittling or showing disdain for knowledge or expertise, DIY champions the average individual seeking knowledge and expertise for him/herself. INstead of using the services of others who have expertise. a DIY oriented person would seek out the knowledge for him/herself.

To do this, one needs to belive in themselves. One needs to figure out that they are important.

You would think that if I were willing to put this on my blog, it would be true for me.

But this is not the case...

Yes, I can see and hear the words, but I am still having trouble figuring out how this fits into my life, with who I am.

But now I have something to kind of aspire to.

I will soon figure out how to mesh the two lives, the two aspects of myself together to get this "happy harmony of DIY and me."

I hope this is easier than it sounds.

End Quote

2010-01-19T18:18:00.000-08:00

A hint to what I have been listening to.

"Don't you wanna ride in my survival car? We can take the long way home through central park. Funny how the ground can find my wheels, I'm going where the road ain't there. Riding on the path we made to Union Square.
-Fountains of Wayne

"Or maybe she's already dead, and maybe she's gone to Mars. Maybe we could even write her epitaph in the stars. It'd say 'If you go away from here; if you go a million miles."
-Marcy Playground

"I'll stop the world and melt with you. You've seen the difference, and it's getting better all the time. There's nothing you and I won't do. I'll stop the world and melt with you."
-Modern English

"Outside, outside the world. Out there you don't hear the echoes and calls, but the steel eye, tight jaw, say it all. But the white paint, plastic saints, say it all."
-Cake

"So hey baby, can you shed some light on the problem maybe? 'Cause we're all tired and we'd like to know if we should pack our tents, and shut down the show. Yes, we should like to see some burning bush type sign, but anything would be fine."
-Sixpence None the Richer

"I like the universe, but she messes with my words. I'm not talking planets or galaxies and the distance just makes it worse. You're totally right, every action was well rehearsed."
-Motion City Soundtrack

"Our memories, well they can be inviting, but some are altogether mighty frightening. As we die, both you and I, with my head in my hands I sit and cry. Don't speak. I know what you're saying, so please stop explaining, don't tell me 'cause it hurts."
-No Doubt

"Well I love the way we communicate. Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape. Let's hear what you think of me now, but baby don't look up. The sky is falling. Your mother shows up in a nasty dress. It's your turn now to stand where I stand. Everybody looking at you, here take hold of my hand. Yeah, I can hear them."
-Tori Amos

"You see 'em drop like flies from the bright sunny skies. They come knockin' on your door with this look in their eyes. You've got one good trick, and you're hanging on-you're hanging onto it."
-Ben Folds

"Stay if you want to love me. Stay, oh don't be shy. Let's cause a scene, like lovers do on silver screens. Let's make it, yeah, we'll cause a scene. It's indie rock n' roll for me."
-The Killers

"Well after all the blood that you still owe, another dollar's just another blow, so fix your eyes and get up. Better get up while you can. When you go, would you even turn to say. 'I don't love you like I did yesterday."
-My Chemical Romance

"It's never been easy for me to write words to go along with a melody, but this time there's actually something on my mind. So please forgive these few brief awkward lines."
-Hugh Grant

"And these children that you spit on, as they try to change their worlds are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they're going through."
-David Bowie

"I've always had affection for a silly reflection, and if you're waiting for the fun house to come to town. Just look around."
-Lunch Money

"You could study Shakespeare and be quite elite, and you could charm the critics and have nothing to eat. Or you could slip on a banana peel and have the world at your feet."
-Donald O'Connor

The Monster at the Dinner Table

2010-01-10T09:22:00.000-08:00

You are called into a room.

This action could take many forms.

Sometimes, you are suddenly, literally, pulled out of bed by the arm or the hair and forced to sit in the direct sight of something you know is anything but good.

Sometimes, you are just called by your name. Making you unaware as to what is to come in the very near future. You walk into the situation completely ungaurded, and that poses a very big problem.

And other times, sometimes the worst of times, the dinner table is set.

You sit down, your heart pounding...there is this mixture of anger, anxiety, frustration, and sadness in your brain that keeps you from thinking straight.

It used to be tears, at this point, even though nothing has been said, I would already feel myself on the very edge of the cliff that marks an emotional breakdown.

Recently however, it has been anger. Instead of feeling tears spring up in my eyes, I feel my whole body rise a few degrees in temperature. My eyebrows furrow, and I just stare at the floor, ready to take whatever is about to be said; whatever attack is about to ensue.

Overall though, through the anger or the sadness, there is nervousness and anxiety. No matter what countenance I happen to be presenting, no matter what mask I happen to be wearing, I start to scratch at my hands or arms. It's odd, I know, but that's just my instinct. Providing pain, or some feeling, keeps me rooted to reality. The repetative motions keep me focused on something else.

I know at this point, that there is no fighting back...nobody is going to listen, and if you say anything you are just dismissed as disrespectful.

Respect, that ever-so-important word, a word that has a definition to me, that most people probably wouldn't understand.

"Stand up for yourself, show yourself some respect," that all sounds fine and dandy, but this is something that I don't think, at this point anyway, I am capable of.

You either fidget in your seat on the couch, afraid to relax for one second, terrified that the second you put your gaurd down is the second that the storm will begin.

It's like when you are waiting at the airport, in front of your gate, and you are rediculously thirsty. A location where you get a drink is not necessarily close by, but is not necessarily far away either. You could go there and get back in time, but what if something happens where they will start boarding early? So you sit there, and minutes pass by...time in which you could be getting that drink you so desperately want, but now that some time has passed you are that much closer to boarding,

and the cycle starts over again.

Keeping your gaurd up, holding an act in place is exhausting, but you do it because you have to.

If you have had the before hand warning, signified by a set dinner table, you know you have the time it takes to eat your food to prepare yourself for what is to come.

But you can't bring yourself to eat a thing, you just poke at the food on your plate nervously until someone comments on your "odd behavior."

Either that, or for that window of time, you pretend that everything is normal. You just convince yourself that this time, you are just having dinner; this time, everything will turn out okay, and sooner or later what you have been waiting for, the reason you have been sitting on the edge of your seat this whole time, is there.

And so it begins.

No matter what the accusation is, no matter who it applies to. It is still taken personally. That is not the intention, I'm sure, but that is just the way it turns out.

You are spoken to in even tones, probably something that wouldn't have any lasting effect on others, but is worse then screaming could ever be to me. Every word hits you, and you just sit there and stare blankly in front of you...but never directly at the speaker.

Sometimes they will say, "Look at me when I say this, Tia, look at me in the eye," and instead you look at the rims of their glasses, or something else that puts off the illusion that you are doing what they asked.

Sometimes it just seems unfair, the topic at hand has nothing, or little to do with you...It's something that isn't directly your fault.

Money problems, the condemnable house falling apart around you, their depression...

All things that shouldn't be your fault, things that aren't your mistake.

However, over the course of time, after being present for these "rants" over and over again, these things to become your fault. You accept that your existance is the cause.

When it is over, you shut yourself away. You find somewhere to crawl into and hide. A closet, underneath your bed, in the car, and there you either fume or cry.

A rediculous fear over the dinner table, how funny.

Distraction is Key

2010-01-07T08:38:00.001-08:00

At this point I'm just distracting myself.
Kyle said something about me having "girlie mood swings"

but theres actually reason behind that. Its not some freakish hormonal imbalance, its me having distracions.

When I have something that keeps me preoccupied, I'm happy...but once that wears off...It's back to being left alone with a problem that I can't fix.

Boy, doesn't that suck?

Going Through The Motions

2010-01-05T08:03:00.000-08:00

"I'm just going through the motions, hoping no one will notice"

-Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Once More With Feeling

It's all over now...the longest two weeks ever.

I really don't have a ton of time to talk about it now, but be sure I will have plenty of things to blog about after I am finished "going through the motions." I have to sink back into the groove so to speak. I don't know...things just have to settle again before I can start thinking clearly. None of my friends really get it,

well that is actually a lie...there is one, but it isn't who you are all thinking...

I guess things will settle themselves out. I wish it would go a little faster though.

Help?

2009-12-27T12:01:00.000-08:00

Stuck somewhere where things can't really be explained, where you can't even hear yourself think...and when you point this fact out, nobody listens.

In fact, they accuse you of being a bitch.

Lovely.

I don't understand how you can miss an environment you dislike.

Notice I don't say hate...there are things that are, for lack of a more well-thought-out word, appealing.

I suppose I will live, and before I know it I will be back to where things are sane again.

At least there are people who understand, ya know?

It would suck ballsacks (haha, jackson) if I didn't.

A Countdown

2009-12-14T10:12:00.001-08:00

The countdown has dwindled down to single digits, and it is actually quite frightening.

Returning home is never easy.

I hope things go well.

Missing You

2009-12-08T21:42:00.001-08:00

After talking about him so much, I'm starting to miss him more and more. Maybe someday I'll fix things with him, he is my best friend after all...
I hope we can just pick up where we left off, ignore our distance and just continue on in life. I owe him so much, but don't feel in debt to him. How odd.

A Broken Cog

2009-12-05T13:11:00.000-08:00

So recently I have started watching the soap opera Days of Our Lives with Amanda on the weekends. At first I was just extremely confused, characters with dramatic names like Raif and Sydney running around like crazy people talking about crime, comas, and baby switching.

It was fucked up.

So then Amanda went on Wikipedia and had me read a synopsis of the entire plotline (starting back in the 60s)

It took me three hours to get through.

And it turned out to be even more fucked up then I thought!

I mean the plotline begins with someone dying of Tuburculosis of the Hand!

That doesn't even exist! That is contradictory by definition!

So after three hours of reading about various comas, some kind of weird alien people called the gemini twins, countless accidents and attacks involving acid, plastic surgery/identity changes, tons of rapes, and a baby switching incident.

I am hooked.

Yes, now I indeed watch Days of Our Lives intentionally, just so I can see what fucked up thing is going to happen next.

I started wondering later, that if there were a nuclear holocaust and the only recordings of humans on video were the Days of Our Lives tapes, how society would turn out.

haha...let's hope that day never comes.

On the upside, I have started making my own soap opera. It is called "A Broken Cog" and stars the robots Madeline, Leopold, and Edward. I have to episodes done so far.

http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/5776849/

A New Post

2009-12-04T15:45:00.000-08:00

Things are finally starting to close in on the semester, and really on the year of 2009.

I really would like to say though, that this was the best year of my life.

This was a year of change for me, some good some bad, but overall I'm glad they took place.

It's funny,

My last New Year began in Denver.

I suppose it is only fitting that it will end in the same place.

I accomplished alot this year, alot of goals were reached. However, there are a few people who really helped me throughout this year...and I think that they should be recognized. I appreciate everything they did for me, and even though they will probably never see or read what is written here, I still think it is worth it.

And as I keep saying,

This blog is for me.

Nicole,

was definitely one of the major influences in my year. I don't think I would have lived through chemistry without her, but more than that she was just always there to talk...
We didn't start out as best friends, we were just similar girls with some common goals...but that has all changed. Sooner or later, I don't really remember when, we realized that we are truely connected. In all honesty I lost my best friend in 2008, but Nicole was there for me through that. She supported me, talked sense into me, kept me...sane, but most of all she didn't try to talk me out of moving here. She accepted and recognized that this was good for me, and for that I am forever grateful. The fact that her and I can talk about anything, from the deep philosophical questions of life, to what boy we've been mackin' on recently makes our relationship one that really can't be replaced.

Eric,

We met at a party, I was a complete stranger to the situation, people, and surroundings, but he kept me connected. He let me into his life without judgement or question. I dated, and broke-up with his best friend, and still he stuck by my side. He talked me through so much, and gave me advice on anything and everything...and it is honestly the best advice I have ever gotten in my entire life. He talked me through my fits of lonelyness and my feelings of guilt. He got me to admit my own flaws to myself, and to start taking initiative to fix them.

Most importantly, he reminded me how to live a life that I love.

Angel,

Darling, without you I don't think I would have been able to keep going after my breakdown at the beginning of the year. I got back from Denver and was so confused about my life, and you helped me sort through those feelings. You kept me sane through the stupidity of my encounters with Zach Davis, and even those with my family. You were there for me every day, at least during World Cultures.

Minke,

I find it funny that our relationship began with nothing but insults. How two people build a friendship off of that is a mystery, but I suppose that's just how you roll.

You were really great to me, you got me out of my insane environment and were always there to pick me up when I needed it. And me moving to Denver, and you to Chicago, made that stronger if anything. You are so nice to me, even though I'm so mean to you :3
You are definitely one of the coolest people I know.

Sinea,

My demented little darling, I miss her so much. Overall Sinea was always there for me when I cried, her sympathy was always genuine and that can't be said of many. She sees through peoples insincerity and substitutes a logical answer, and yet she is one of the most fun and entertaining individuals I have ever met.

Then I moved to Denver,

Carissa,

My darling, she are so good to me. I have shaken up the life she used to know and have, and I suppose I am kind of apologetic...but she seems to be tolerant of my behavior...and that is really amazing. She accepted me into this group and has helped me adjust to my move, and I know that this will last.

Jackson,

I really don't want to write stuff, because that will just fuel the fires of the rumor mill...but he really has done so much for me. I would have no friends if not for that fateful day when he told me we had the same phone. He introduced me into the group I am associated with now, and I would have had a completely different Denver experience if it weren't for that. Through all that, he and I are devoutly similar and that relation makes him an amazing friend to have. He is always there...cheering me up when I'm sad, venting with me about fucking french class, and just hanging out with me during the fourth periods where I really should be doing physics.

Chi,

We didn't start out as close, but shortly after homecoming that changed. Thanks darling, all the things I don't want to tell anyone else I tell you...you bring a fresh perspective to my many issues and are willing to listen.

Kyle and Amanda...thanks for rescuing me. Nothing more can even be said besides that.

Alyssa, Anna, Zach, Dani, Ariel, Diza, Jake (T and D) there are so many people that changed my life...but to write much more would take alot of energy out of me.

Thanks guys...

Hopefully this year will just be an improvement to the last.

Surprised Yet?

2009-12-01T21:05:00.000-08:00

shocker, people are stupid.

surprised yet?

I think not.

I mean, he not only lacks timing but also awareness to the fact that he kind of broke the ever so sacred laws of friendship.

way to go.

I guess I can't blame his stupidity since he is indeed a part of the male species, but still...don't I get to be mad?

Stuck In Dissapointment

2009-11-30T21:38:00.001-08:00

I find myself wondering...

what does it really mean when people say that ever so famous line...

"I'm not mad, just dissapointed."

Yeah, thank you Anna, and thank you Dad.

Because calling your sporadic exhibits of borderline hostile behavior towards me (or really towards my decision to move to Denver) the result of "dissapointment," makes it just so much better...
I don't know, I just can't sleep...
I think it is relevant to point out to those who actually read this, that the opinions and views expressed in this blog are the meandering and overly exploited thoughts in my warped brain. I am a fairly happy (although expressive) individual that loves her family and, in general, her life. So please don't judge me, that is one of my worst fears, judgement.

You Like Who?

2009-11-30T15:59:00.000-08:00

Ah the theories flying left and right.

Who likes who?

That seems to be the ever present question, one that I am asked probably more frequently than any other.

Why can I not just be asked, "What time is it?" or, "What do you want for lunch today?"

I don't really know how to answer. Especially with who the subjects are recently.

Why is it not acceptable for me to just not know?

My thoughts are too muddled right now to even care, yet I do.

Funny, isn't it?

Heart of Ice

2009-11-16T16:44:00.000-08:00

"They carve the message deep within, the broken hearts that failed to mend. Make-out kids never had a chance to be best frinds."

So I have never had what one would call a serious relationship, and that has always been fine by me. It was never anything I ever really thought about.

People are people, acquaintances are acquaintances, and friends are friends...Is there really anything more then that?

I never thought so, but I have to wonder...

Am I limiting myself by having this mindset?
Is it that I never thought of myself in that light, or that anyone would ever think of me in that light that I developed this attitude toward everything in relation to the term "boyfriend?"

It started out as just what everyone else was doing. 6th grade relationships essentially mean nothing. There are no feelings involved; in all honesty I don't think 6th graders can even begin to understand what feelings even are.

I definitely think this is where I picked up what my mother calls,

"my heart-breaking qualities."

These quick-and-over relationships paired with all the "marriages" I had seen as a child definitely translate into fear of such attachments in my own life.

I had come to the conjecture that relationships mean nothing...
they are nice while they last, but that is about it.

Then people started getting hurt. My "heartbreaking" aparently caused strife in the guys I went out with.

Don't think me stupid, but I honestly had no idea something like that would happen. I never really thought about it that way...I assumed everyone was like me.

I was wrong.

"Well, to put it bluntly...you have a heart of ice. The potential is there for you to love someone very much, but for now you seem like you're just going through the motions"

That was my latest break-up line.

Lovely, right?

Now, for whatever reason. I am doing what someone very smart put as "enamoring" people. Who knows how the hell I'm pulling it off, but aparently the quirks that come from growing up in small-town Pennsylvania are severely attractive to people here.

And now, I am lost. Hurting people isn't really something I can guiltlessly pride myself in.

It's funny though. In the midst of all this confusion, I have found someone who understands it.

That at least, is something that I can latch onto.

Once More With Feeling

2009-11-12T17:23:00.000-08:00

It has been about four months since I packed up everything I really knew and moved from small town Shippensburg, Pennsylvania to big city Denver, Colorado. An interesting choice to some, and a necessary one to others.

And now, I finally am starting to feel like I belong.

I wasn't sure when it would happen, and I didn't really know how I would ever be able to tell.

Would there be some kind of sign? A really big flashing one that would say something like,

"Tia, you have made the transition. Congrats, you belong!"

Would there be some kind of serious awakening moment, like when you finally place the last peice together in the jigsaw puzzle?

Well, none of that actually happened. There was no sudden sign, or any kind of awakening...

It was like when you look at a picture of yourself from a few years back. You don't feel like you changed at all, but the photographic evidence and the mirror don't lie. You have gotten older, whether for better or for worse.

My "sign" came in the form of me falling back in love with my old passions. I am starting to want to be involved again with the things I was so passionate about before.

I am starting to be true to myself again, and I am feeling comfortable enough to do it.

I looked back the other day, and saw this happening...and just like looking at a picture from the past and the mirror in the present, I saw that I have changed; that I am finally feeling at home.

A Reminder of What She Had

2009-11-11T11:53:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there was a little girl. She moved around alot and was homeschooled, so she really didn't have any friends...she didn't really have any constants in her life, and she was really lonely.

Then one day, when she was seven years old, the unexpected occured. She got a gift, a kitten in fact. She didn't realize it at the time, but this helpless little kitty was going to be her best friend.

Her name was Pidge, after the girl's mother's favorite book character, but the little girl soon changed it to Pidgeon. She was grey with cream flecks, and had a cream diamond right on the top of her head.

One day, Pidgeon's mom tried to chase her and the other kittens away...all of them got scared and left, but not Pidgeon. Rachel, the mother cat, started lashing out at her trying to scare her away, but she never left.

The girl saw this going on, and one day picked up the kitten and told her,

"I know that you don't think anybody cares about you, but I do. I am going to adopt you as my baby, and I will never leave you."

From then on, Pidgeon was the girls baby. The girl took care of her, but better yet, Pidgeon took care of the girl.

When she would get sad, Pidgeon would just know...she would crawl over and keep her company. When the girl would get sick, Pidgeon wouldn't leave her side until she got better. She was always there when the girl needed her, and for that the girl was forever greatful.

Then one day, under a saddening circumstance, the girl and her family had to move in with her grandparents. The girl's mom told her that Pidgeon would have to stay behind, but the girl made a promise and would not leave her. She pleaded with her grandmother to let her keep the kitty, and eventually her grandmother said yes.

All of the other kitties were given away or left behind, but Pidgeon got to stay.

After a few years, the girl and her family had to move again, and once again the girl was told she had to get rid of her cat, but once again she was able to keep her.

A week into living in her new home, a tornado came. The house they were living in was not stable enough to withstand the storm, so they had to leave to a safer location. The girl, about ten now, brought Pidgeon with her, even though her mom told her she couldn't come. They drove to a shelter, but because it was a public place Pidgeon wasn't aloud to come in. The girl tried to convince her parents to let the cat come, but she was left in the car. The girl did nothing but cry that whole night, because she thought she was going to lose her best friend...but fortunately she did not.

A few years later, the girl went away to Greece. She was gone for a whole month, and had to leave Pidgeon beind. She missed her cat dearly, but not as much as Pidgeon missed the girl. The cat spent that whole month looking for the girl, she would escape the confinements of the house and try and search for the girl outside, but she never found any luck.

Everyday the woman the girl was staying with would ask "do you miss your family?" and the girl would always reply "no, but I miss my cat." The woman didn't understand, and the girl realized that nobody ever really would. Pidgeon wasn't just a pet, she was really the girl's soulmate...they were destined to find eachother, and destined to stay together forever.

When the girl returned home, she opened the door to her house and caught the cat as she was trying to run outside. Pidgeon meowed in protest, but then realized who it was. She immediately started to pur, and the girl cried because she was so happy.

A few months later, the girl, fifteen now, went to her sophmore Homecoming. She was so excited, because she had the perfect dress, and had just got her hair cut, and thought she actually, for once, looked pretty. She went out that night, and had what she thought to be at the time, the best night of her life.

She came home, and changed into her pajamas, and grabbed her kitty to bring her to bed. Pidgeon made a funny noise, but the girl failed to think anything of it.

She told her kitty, like she did every night, that she loved her more than anything in the world...and that they would be together forever, and then she went to sleep.

At 3:17 AM the girl woke up. She turned and saw her cat breathing heavily. The girl knew something was wrong. She started to panic, and woke up her sister in the bed above her. The sister ran and got her parents.

Pidgeon was sprawled out in the girls bed, unable to move. She was breathing heavily, and her eyes were filled with pain. The girl was on the floor next to the bed, eye level with her baby, crying and telling her it was going to be okay.

"I promised I would never leave you, we are destined to be together forever, remember?" she told her best friend.

"please don't leave me."

The girl begged her parents to call a vet, she begged them to do something, anything to stop her poor baby's pain. But the parents said, "there isn't anything we can do, just let her go."

The girl started to sob, but her mom told her

"you have to be here for her, you can't cry now"

The girl continued to pet her beloved baby girl, she kept repeating things, saying she loved her, that she was so sorry, that she didn't mean to ever be angry or upset with her, that they were supposed to be together forever...

The girl's family sat around her and the cat, but did nothing. They just stared.

The girl turned and looked at her father, and gave him a look that pleaded him to help her. Her dad stared back with his blue green eyes, and gave a look back that was filled with nothing but sympathy.

Two hours later, what seemed like forever for the girl, Pidgeon closed her eyes. They opened again, but the girl just knew. There was something off about them. They weren't the same vibrant gold eyes she had looked into every day for the past eight years. They were dead. She was dead.

Life seemed to end at that very moment, they were supposed to be together forever. Pidgeon was her only constant, her only true friend, she kept her sane and protected from all the bad things that were constantly happening around her...and now she was gone.

There was a funeral for Pidgeon the next day. The girl's dad built a small coffin for the beloved pet, and placed the cat inside so the girl wouldn't have to see her. They buried her at her grandmother's house, and everybody said nice things about her. Even her grandmother, who Pidgeon had once bit so hard that her whole arm turned black and blue. The girl couldn't say anything, except what she said to her every night.

"Pidgeon Ann, I love you more than anything in the world, and we will be together forever."

That night the girl's sister was listening to Billy Joel. The song "Lullabye" came on, and at that moment, the little girl decided this would be their song.

About a year later, the girl, not so little anymore, started a blog.

And on November Eleventh she wrote about what had happened, as a remider of what she once had.

A Unique Individual

2009-11-10T15:41:00.000-08:00

Uniqueness is severely attractive to me.

It can be music, writing, art, fashion, or people; I find it rediculously amazing to stumble upon things that are...different.

I think it might be because I see it in myself.
Being different is something that I always just fell into; not fitting in has been my forte.

What a great thing to be remembered for right?

When I asked Eric why I didn't feel like I related to anyone he said,

"You're a unique individual, you have alot of mismatched qualities that people don't think would fit together...but they do. People just don't understand your layers of personality."

I found it odd at the time, unsure as to whether this was a good or a bad thing. Sure, teachers and various motivational speakers say that "everyone is unique, we are all individuals, etc, etc, etc."

but although I hate to admit it, soceity demands you to fit in. Success lies in that action. Breaking the standard, or thinking outside the box is only rewarded if you can justify yourself, and prove to the world that you aren't as off your rocker as they judge you to be...

but that is really alot harder then it sounds.

The world won't accomodate to you, so you must simply accomodate to it. You bend your ways just enough to get by, you find small groups of people that relate to you just enough to befriend you, and you get by.

This isn't really as sad as it sounds, if you're like me and see uniqueness as an attractive quality then this is a happy living. That, and as individualistic as I want myself to be, there are hundreds of others out there like me...

So on the bright side, I'm not alone.

Boredom At Its Best

2009-11-10T10:41:00.000-08:00

"You choke me something awful just like kisses on the necks of best friends.
We're the kids who feel like dead-ends.
And I want to be known for more than just my misses.
I took a shot and didn't even come close.
And trust and love and hope.
And the poets are just kids who didn't make it.
Or never had it at all"

"I don't mind you comming here
And wasting all my time
Cos when you're standing oh so near
I kinda lose my mind, yeah
It's not the perfume that you wear
It's not the ribbons in your hair
I don't mind you comming here
And wasting all my time
I don't mind you hanging 'round
And talking in your sleep
It doesn't matter where you've been
As long as it was deep, yeah
I know you'd wear it very well
And you look so fancy I can tell
I don't mind you hanging 'round
And talking in your sleep"

"So excuse me forgetting
But these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
The thing is
What I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen"

"This is the story of the boys who loved you
Who love you now and loved you then
And some were sweet and some were cold and snuffed you
And some just layed around in bed
And some, they crumbled you straight to your knees
Did it cruel, did it tenderly
Some they crawled their way into your heart
To rend your ventricles apart
This is the story of the boys who loved you "

"Write me off, give up on me
Cause darling, what did you expect
I'm just off a lost cause
a long shot, don't even take this bet
You can make all the moves, you can aim all the spotlights
Get all the sighs and the moans just right
I'm sleeping on your folk's front porch again, dreaming
She said, she said, she said, "Why don't you just drop dead?"

"why did i come?
oh why did i come here?
these humans all suck
I'd rather be home feeling violent and lonely
I'm not trying to sound so insincere
but the postcard taped to the freezer reads
"wish you were here"
oh I wish i could disappear"

"And if you call
I will answer
And if you fall
I'll pick you up
And if you court this disaster
I'll point you home
and I'm warning you don't ever do
Those crazy things I know that you do
If you ever do
I promise you
I'll be the first to crucify you"

World, Revolve Around Someone Else Please.

2009-11-09T16:35:00.000-08:00

I severely dislike being the center of attention...

but don't misunderstand this statement.

Sure, as alot of you know, I am a performer.
I sing in front of hundreds of people, I lead groups and clubs, I act, and am generally in the "spotlight" alot.

The thing is, although everyone is watching you and "paying attention to you," they don't actually care about you at all. Better yet, they don't expect anything from you.

When someone listens to you sing, they want to hear nothing of your past or your future, they don't expect anything from you but a pretty voice.

People watch you act and they don't care about you as a person, they care about the character you are portraying for their enjoyment.

You represent a club, like GSA or Environmental Issues, and people don't care about you and your own personal issues, they care about the issue you are choosing to represent.

When you are in these situations you really have nothing to lose. That is the crucial difference to the "center of attention" I am referring to.

No, I am speaking of when you are the center of the attention of those who want to know those things. They want to hear of your issues, your past, your future, your life, and any other detail they can get from you.

This scares me.

It isn't really peoples intentions, whether good or bad the result in my mind is the same. Whether they want to judge me or care for me, I still feel like being in this kind of attention makes you extremely vulnerable.

and vulnerability is my worst fear.

Well Aren't You a Surprise?

2009-11-09T16:14:00.000-08:00

"Brothers and sisters, put these words down
Into your notebook, spit lines like these...
We're only liars, but we're the best
We're only good for the latest trend."

"Excess ain't rebellion.
You're drinking what they're selling.
Your self-destruction doesn't hurt them.
Your chaos won't convert them.
They're so happy to rebuild it.
You'll never really kill it.
Yeah, excess ain't rebellion.
You're drinking what they're selling."

"I'm not smiling
behind this fake veneer.
I am often interrupted
or completely ignored,
but most of all I'm bored.
I'm trying to find out
if my words have any meaning.
Lackluster and full of contempt
when it always ends the same."

"And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through"

I don't really know why...but I wanted to share these.

My Subconscious Kills.

2009-11-08T10:26:00.000-08:00

Confusion.

That is what I have been feeling for the past few weeks. I am so lost at the moment, and I'm not even sure as to why that is. I no longer really understand what it is I'm actually feeling on a day to day basis, and I can't make decisions on anything.

Am I happy?
I don't know.

Am I sad?
I don't know.

What do I want for lunch today?
I don't know.

I am sick of being so...lost.

I suppose this really has been going on for a while and that I just didn't think it was an issue until now. I always just had more prevelant things to occupy myself with, but now that those things are taken away...I find myself thrown into a path of self discovery.

And the funny thing is, I don't really know what it is I am discovering.

Carissa's theory is that my subconscious is "showing me the way," but that I am choosing to ignore it (at least for one particular issue)...

Stupid subconscious.

Minke said "Tia, you're bipolar."
Sure, he was referring to something else entirely, but it got me thinking that maybe he is kind of right. I know I'm not actually bipolar, but the term kind of fits when it comes to my decision making skills and lack of direction.

Self discovery of today...
My subconscious kills.

Can't wait to find out what my next discovery is.

Phone Blogging, How Convenient.

2009-11-05T17:15:00.001-08:00

Set it up so i can blog with my phone woo!

From now on in awkward situations, I can pretend to text but really be blogging!

How exciting!

Three Free Periods and a Sex Book

2009-11-05T15:24:00.001-08:00

A thrusday of epic proportions, to say the least...

Psychology:

I successfully made people "bubble" by reading my favorite sonnets.
Typically I would be indifferent to this situation, but (for one who finds themselves accused of being "against love") I surprisingly find the sonnets to be really...heartwarming? I don't really know what word I am looking for, haha.

Mr. Lee said to me, "Tia, It's really great that I have someone around that actually knows what is going on in Psychology." Yeaha! Super win!

"I would like to thank, Mr. Miller (my previous psych teacher) and my dear dear friends."

Off Period:

So Chiara pulled a book down from the library shelves today, that had a REALLY colorful cover, and after she and Jackson left to go work on their G4 assignment I picked the book up for further inspection. Come to find out, IT IS FILLED WITH SEX STORIES! It was all about these different accounts of girls going out with the SAME GUY (who, as you have probably guessed is a man-whore.)

Jackson and Chiara returned, and after me telling them what the book was about, we proceeded to READ IT ALOUD...and who was the person reading it out loud, JACKSON of course! It was hilarious, and rediculous, and just completely out of place (being in a school library surrounded by teachers and all).

Physics:

Betsy has confirmed that...yes, Justin is a retard. What a discovery!
We also spent a good while trying to figure out why Carbon can form more complex molecules than Silicon (since they are virtually the same, the only difference being a slight change in mass). Although presented with many theories from Betsy's brother, and Connor's own brainstorming...we have yet to find out the cause.

IB Music:

Quiz!
Epic fail on the vocabulary section, but I think I redeemed myself during the analylsis part. Hopefully I redeemed myself during the analysis part...

Individualism or Not

2009-11-05T14:37:00.000-08:00

Me creating a blog?

How individualistic of me! I mean really now, I suppose this is just me following the crowd of "bloggers" out there...but then again, why should I care?
Individualistic or not, this blog is for me.

I've been told alot recently that keeping your emotions inside isn't the best decision (to say the least), so I suppose this is a good way to start sharing "my feelings" and "my opinions."

Who doesn't love a good journal anyway?
Maybe someday the world will look back on my meandering thoughts; they will read the madness in front of them and think "wow...this is...odd," but you know what? That's FINE by me :)

This is the beginning of the recordings of only part of a story, an epic tale of the happenings concerning a small town girl in a really big town.